•Earn cash in your spare time. Blackmail your friends.
•Drugs cause amnesia and other things I can’t remember.
•Dyslexics have more fnu.
•Everyone is beautiful if you squint a bit.
•Failure is not an option, it’s a lifestyle.
•Failure is not falling down; it’s not getting up again.
•Friends help you move. Real friends help you move bodies.
•I don’t suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it.
•If I look confused it’s because I am thinking.
•Seen it all, done it all, can’t remember any of it.
•Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people seem bright until you hear them speak.
•A day without light is like, um… night.
•When there is no light, it’s dark.
•The wheel is spinning, but the hamster is dead.
•If you can’t convince them, confuse them.
•If you can’t beat them, arrange to have them beaten.
•My anger management class pisses me off.
•You’re jealous because the voices only talk to me.
•Dreams are like rainbows, only idiots follow them.
•Don’t follow my footsteps, I walk through walls.
•Rehab is for quitters.
•You tried your best and failed miserably, the lesson is, never tried.
•I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.
•I’m not who you think I am pretending to be.
•“Somewhere over the rainbow” well, how can there be somewhere over the rainbow when you can’t get to the rainbow?
•Duct tape is like the force. It has a light side, a dark side, and it holds the universe together.
•Acupuncture is pointless.
•Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don’t.
•I feel like I am diagonally parked in a parallel universe.
•It was recently discovered that research causes cancer in rats.
•Constipated people don’t give a crap!
•Auntie Em- Hate you, hate Kansas, taking dog, Dorothy
•Guns don’t kill people, but they make it pretty easy.
•The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
•You’re slower than a herd of turtles stampeding through peanut butter.
•There are three kinds of people: those who can count and those who can not.
•Cracks in the sidewalk are only reminders that you are never too strong to fall apart.
•Always remember that you are unique. Just like everyone else.
•I like work. It fascinates me. I stand and look at it for hours.
•Someday we will look back at all of this and plow into a parked car.
•Accept that some days you are the pigeon and other days you are the statue.
•I don’t have an attitude problem. You have a perception problem.
•Remember, today is the tomorrow you worried about yesterday.
•List of things that NEED an answer: Why do physics have to ask for you name.
•Life is pleasant. Death is peaceful. It is the transition that is troublesome.
•Vampires are make-believe, like elves, gremlins and Eskimos.
•If life is a box of chocolates, then death must be a peanut allergy.
•There is always light at the end of the tunnel, just pray to God that it is not a train.
•Who ever said that nothing is impossible has never tried slamming a revolving door.
•My mind is like a steel trap. Rusty and illegal in 37 states.
•You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted and then used against you.
•Depression is merely anger with enthusiasm.
•All stressed out and no one to choke.
•Experience is what you get when what you attended to happen didn’t happen.
•I don’t exaggerate. I just remember big.
•Some days it doesn’t seem worth it to gnaw through the leather straps.
•Preserve wild life… pickle a squirrel!
•I think, therefore I am overqualified.
•Bombs don’t kill people. Explosions kill people.
•Cheer up. The worst is yet to come.
•If it weren’t for Thomas Edison we would all be watching television in the dark.
•I love deadlines. Especially when they make that whoosh sound as they go by.
•There are very few personal problems that cannot be solved with high explosives.
•Chess is mental torture.
•If you think that you are too small to be affective, then you’ve never been in the dark with a mosquito.
•Chaos, panic, & disorder- my work here is done.
•Too many freaks, not enough circuses.
•I am not tense, just terrible, terrible alert.
•People will believe anything if you whisper.
•I put the “fun” in “dysfunctional”.
•Shut up stupid voices, or I will stab you with a Q-Tip.
•Is there another name for synonym?
•Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.
•A conclusion is a place where you got tired of thinking.
•If a word is misspelled in the dictionary, how will you ever know?
•I’ll kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
•Doesn’t “expect the unexpected” make the unexpected expected?
•Christmas – What other time do you sit in front of a dead tree and eat candy out of your socks?
•It’s not an optical illusion. It just looks like one.
•My mind not only wanders. Sometimes it leaves completely.
•¾ people are sane. So think of three of your friends. Are they are fine, and then you are not.
•Just when I got used to yesterday, along came another day.
•I had amnesia once…or twice.
•What was the greatest thing before sliced bread?
•If #2 pencils is the most popular, then why is it #2?
•Is it my imagination or do Buffalo wings taste like chicken?
•Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your week.
•I plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.
•Inside of every old person is a young person wondering what happened?
•Schizophrenia beats being alone.
•All true wisdom is found on t-shirts.
•They told me that I was gullible, and I believed them.
•Never on any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.
•There is a very fine line between hobby and mental illness.
•If you are reading in a bathroom is it considered multitasking?
•The easier way always presents itself after the job is done.
•When else failed, it’s good to have a little talent for one’s amusement.
•The speed of time is one second per second.
•If you try to fail and succeed, which have you done?
•Don’t drink and drive, because you might hit a stop sing and spill your drink.
•Strangers have the best candy.
•Don’t tell me that the sky is the limit where there are footsteps on the moon.
•Do you believe in love at first sight or should I walk by again?
•If at first you don’t succeed, then failure must be your style.
•Go take a long walk off a short pier.
•You annoy me as much as a wet leaf stuck to my a**.
•Fairy Tales- Horror stories for children to get them used to reality.
•If you are not apart of the solution, be apart of the problem!
•My computer once beat me in chess, but it was no match for me in kick boxing.
•Always forgive your enemies. Nothing annoys them more.
•Ask me no questions, and I will tell you no lies.
•Beer is living proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy.
•Between two evils, I always pick the one I have never tried before.
•I arrive at school late, but I make up for it by leaving early.
•I am free of all prejudices. I hate everyone equally.
•I have a body of an eighteen year old. I keep it in the fridge.
•I never loved a person the way I loved myself.
•I am not really a religious person, but if you are up there, SAVE ME SUPERMAN!
•It’s not the people in prison that scare me; it’s the people that are not.
•“We have been spotted and are getting sucked in by her tractor beam.”
•This is like trying to find a fart in a Jacuzzi.
•I reject you reality, and substitute my own.
•Support the fine arts. Shoot a rapper.
•In my opinion, angry people need hugs, or sharp objects.
•People tell me that I don’t listen… or something like that.
•GO LICK A FROZEN POLE!
•If Tylenol, a band-aid, or duct tape can’t fix it, you have a serious problem.
•I am going to take over the world. All I need is sporks, napkins, Styrofoam, and bubble wrap.
•Plagiarism saves time.
•Some call it stalking. I call it love.
•My heart has been removed to make room for the sarcasm.
•Bull**** make the flowers grow, and that’s beautiful.
•Only dead fish go with the flow.
•I meant you no harm. But you were standing where I was shooting.
•Honesty is the best policy, but insanity is a better defense.
•You have to be 100% behind someone in order to stab them in the back.
•If the president does it, it is not illegal.
•Live everyday like it is your last, crawl in a corner and cry.
•She has a lot in common with Hitler, except she has no mustache.
•I have more talent in my tiniest fart than you have in your whole body.
•Be attached in a detached way.
•Who has a tiny brain, big mouth and an opinion that no one cares about? YOU!
•His mind is so open that you can hear the wind whistle through it.
•Some people cause happiness where ever they go, others when ever they go.
•Anything good in life is either illegal, condemned or fattening.
•Ambition is the last refuge from the failure.
•As I said before, I never repeat myself.
•Bugs are Sons of Glitches!
•Constant change is here to stay!
•Don’t take life so seriously, you won’t get out of it alive.
•Everyone hates me because I am paranoid.
•Wheaties and Beer: The Breakfast of Champions.
•He who laughs last didn’t get it. (HOPE!)
•I can resist everything except temptation.
•My day is not complete until I’ve terrified a complete stranger.
•Aim Low, Reach Your Goals, And Avoid Disappointment.
•Forgiveness is me giving up my right to hurt you for hurting me.
•A pat in the back is just inches away from a kick in the butt.
•Another brilyunt mind diztroyed by the publik edukashun sistum.
•Dyslexics of the World….Untie!!!
•Aw fudgen nutter bars.
•He’s all foam, no beer.
•She’s proof that evolution can go in reverse.
•I say no to drugs, but they don’t listen.
•We don’t necessarily discriminate. We simply exclude certain types of people.
•You’re so stupid you threw a rock at the ground and missed.
•I am right 90% of the time, so why worry about the other 12%.
•Remember my face, my might need an alibi later.
•I have not failed. I just found 10,000 ways that do not work.
•Never play leap frog with a unicorn.
•I fell in love with you the first time I spied on you through your window.
•I was about ready to conquer the world, but I got distracted by something sparkly.
•An answer to that nagging question… I LET THE DOGS OUT!
•I’m not smiling at you; I am tying not to laugh.
•For all of you that talk about me, thank you for making me the center of your world.
•I don’t hate you; I just need someone to take my anger out on.
•Reality: An illusion caused from lack of alcohol.
•According to my calculation, Escalator + Slinky=Unlimited Fun!
•Sugar Booger!
•Son of a bean farmer.
•Fhat the Wuck!!!!!
•If I die, I will kill you.
•Forgive your enemies, but do not, I repeat, do not forget their names.
•Humpty-Dumpty was pushed!
•If you DO succeed at first, try not to look astonished.
•When the blind leadeth the blind, get out of the way.
•If you don’t like the way I drive, get off of the sidewalk.
•I am not littering, I am donating to the Earth.
•Only in America do we have drive up ATM’s with brail on them.
•Anyone who says, “As easy as stealing candy from a baby”, has never tried it.
•We are the people our parents warned us about.
•If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?
•Shooting yourself in the foot is a lot more fun than it sounds.
•Give a man a match and he will be warm for a moment, but set him on fire, he will be warm forever.
•Expecting the world to treat you fairly because you are good is like expecting the bull not to charge because you’re a vegetarian.
•The secret to creativity is knowing how to hide your sources.
•Murderer? Well that is a harsh word. I prefer to think of myself as a Mortality Technician.
•Microsoft: “You got questions. We got dancing paperclips.”
•When someone tells you nothing is impossible, tell him to dribble a football.
•If I had shot you sooner, I will out of jail by now.
•Wrestling is just ballet with violence.
•She is what I call a suicide blond. Dyed by her own hand.
•Gravity always gets me down.
•I like running with scissors, it makes me feel rebellious.
•Death is life’s way of saying you have been fired.
•Do not let the sands of life get in your sandwich.
•To be, or not to be, those are the perimeters.
•Save trees. Eat a beaver.
•I put the “stud” in study.
•Never stand between the dog and the fire hydrant.
•Two wrongs are only the beginning.
•Aim for the stars. But first, aim for their bodyguards.
•Okay, so… what is the speed of dark?
•He is a box of Cracker Jacks without a prize.
•This is not a School; this is hell with florescent lighting.
•Some say we will look back at this all and laugh nervously and change the subject.
•Creativity is a drug I cannot live without.
•Glitter never goes away. It is Herpes of craft supplies.
•I used to think I was indecisive, but now I am not so sure.
•I am short and ugly enough to succeed on my own.
•I think we consider too much luck of the early but bird, but not enough on the bad luck of the early worm.
•I get enough exercise pushing my luck.
•Give Pizza Chants.
•Nothing is more discouraging than unappreciated sarcasm.
•Every time I look at you I have the fierce desire to be lonesome.
•Sometimes you are the windshield and other times you are the bug.
•Violence is the last refuge of the incompetent.
•Televangelists: Pro Wrestlers of religion.
•Life is not about hiding during the storm, it is about dancing in the rain.
•I wish my mouth had a backspace button.
•Stressed spelt backwards is Desserts. Coincidence, I think not!
•Some people are like Slinkies, good for nothing, but you can not help but watch when it tumbles down the stairs.
•Good friends always bail you out of jail; True friends are always right beside you in the jail cell saying “Dude, that was AWESOME!”
•There go my people. I must find out where they are going so that I can lead them.
•Money may not buy happiness, but it sure makes misery a lot easier to live with.
•The man who smiles when something has gone wrong found someone to blame it on.
•If at first you do not succeed, redefine success.
•No, I do not have a solution, but I deeply admire the problem.
•He is a self made man and worships his own maker.
•If it does not fit force it; if it breaks, it needed replacement anyway.
•Never fight with an idiot. They drag you down to their level and beat you with experience.
•You can go anywhere in life if you look serious.
•When you do not know what to do, walk fast and look serious.
•I know you are thinking what I am thinking; you should be ashamed of yourself.
•Don’t piss me off. I am running out of places to hide the bodies.
•People like you are the reason why I need medication.
•Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.
•No sense of being pessimistic. It does not work anyway.
•Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
•I do what ever my Rice Krispies tell me to do.
•Stop the violins. Visualize whirled peas.
•Today is the last day of part of your life.

Well to be perfectly honest, you already got most of the good ones I would have used….priceless.
I might add:
Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle
Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup?
How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?
Never take life seriously, nobody gets out alive anyway.
I used to eat a lot of natural foods, until I learned that most people die of natural causes.
If Jimmy cracks corn, and no one cares, why is there a song about him?
Who was the first person to look at a cow…….and say, "I think that I will squeeze those dangled things and drink whatever comes out!"……….
Friends don't let friends date ugly guys or drive junker cars.
and last ….but not least…
why does your OB-GYN leave the room when you get undressed, if he is going to look "up there" anyway???
You have a wonderful day…and thank you

Funny Sayings Needed!!!!? is a post from: Fly Fishing Guide